I’m pretty pissed at myself
about not getting into Simon’s Rock. That means another year here in the zit of the hinterlands, where everyone knows your name but nobody can spell it. It’s really just sinking in.
Seriously, I would love to spend next year doing anything but having junior year. If I do that it’s all set out for me, I’ll be getting up early, going to bed the same times, talking to the same people. You know how you can start a fifteen puzzle - those puzzles with fifteen squares that you want to put in order by number - so that it’s impossible to solve? That is my high school life in a nutshell. A gigantic fifteen puzzle. I’m the little empty square, ghosting from corner to corner but never seeing all the solid pieces get in the order I want…
Next year, rather than be a junior, I would prefer to:
- be a postal worker
- backpack the Appalachian Trail
- live in New York
- live in Oregon
- live in Alaska
- live in England
- live in China
- live in California
- even just live in Ann Arbor, for chrissakes
- go to art school
- go to an open/Montessori school (if they even have those for big kids)
- not go to school at all
- be confined to a mental hospital
- be confined to a regular hospital
- live in Chicago
- work as a janitor at my school, instead of being a student
- be a castaway on a desolate island
- be an apprentice Buddhist nun
- live in the mountains
- bike from Boston to San Francisco
- basically a lot of shit.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And it’s MY FAULT.
I think I have an inferiority complex. I feel like I can see through all my friends, and they’re all stupid, and it makes me want to shake them off before they smother me and make me as stupid as they are.
